faces.

I sit in my usual spot

At this more than familiar place

In the company of faces,

all so beautiful, all so mysterious, all so ordinary.

I sit in this seat

as my eyes start to swell up

with tears aged a million years.

Amongst all that i know,

amongst all that is old,

amongst all that is comfortable;

why do i feel as if i dont know

the face I see everyday when i look

in the mirror.

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22.

Twenty-two.

It’s been the best of times.

Its been the worst of times.

My eyes have become brighter,

My horizons have expanded wider,

my path, lighter.

My heart has been touched,

My hands a little rough,

My shell, more tough.

But my existence,

my existence,

means more now than ever before.

My soul,

my soul,

is as free as it’ll ever be.

And my dreams,

my dreams,

escaping the clouds.

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                                           todays coffee!

coffee and writing.

I sit alone in this coffee shop

exchanging glances with my cup.

Staring at this computer screen,

who knows me more than most.

It’s seen my tears; heard my cries.

It knows my secrets, realizes my lies.

I sit behind this machine

and wonder..

who’s more of a person?

It or me?

feeling human.

4-21-2015

I need a glass of wine.

My feelings have caught up

the fake smile will no longer work;

the tears will come shortly.

I will embrace my sadness;

for it makes me, me.

I feel human.

Fuck the wine, i need a beer.

-tori

a letter to my first love.

a letter to you.

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The time we shared together, in love with each other was one of the best times in my life.  Thank you for supporting me, putting up with me, making me laugh, giving me confidence, encouraging me to do more, tickling my arms and back whenever i asked, accompanying me, wiping my tears away, hugging me, telling me i was beautiful, being fearless, standing up for me, telling me stupid jokes, serenading me with your guitar, taking care of me, for always being so understanding and patient, putting me in my place, breaking my heart, and many more things, but most importantly thank you for loving me.

I was young when we first fell in love, and so were you, so i understand why you did some of the things you did and quite frankly, I’m glad you did them.  It gave us some time to grow up a little, and experience different things, college for you and the end of high school for me. Although i was terribly heartbroken and felt like you left during a time when i needed you the most, there was a part of me that remained happy because i always felt our paths would cross again.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many emotions i felt when our paths finally did cross 2 years later. In a nutshell, i was nervous, scared, very happy, and a little angry.  There was so much i wanted to ask and tell you! I don’t think i ever did in fear of possibly jeopardizing our possible relationship.  I still remember how i felt when i heard your voice for the first time, i thought i had somehow missed your call because i had a voicemail from you, but nope, no missed call, but you knew a way to send just a voicemail without calling..you knew i hated talking on the phone.  My heart fell to my stomach when i opened it up and heard your voice, i don’t remember what you said, but i remember feeling so happy. The emotion only increased over time and those two months when were talking everyday i couldn’t help but fall in love with you all over again so when you left me a voicemail on 12-21-10 saying “i was going to wait until i got a job, but i just can’t wait anymore, will you be my girlfriend?” i practically had a heart attack from how happy i was. I think it was 4 days after that where i finally mustered up enough courage to ask you if it was weird that i felt like i loved you, and you quickly responded, saying nope, and i love you, too. Isn’t it crazy how those 4 words can cause such happiness in a person? & just like that..you became my first true love.

Now, our relationship wasn’t the best and we are both equally guilty of being jealous, and fighting over the dumbest things, your family was not fond of me….at all, but our relationship, while it lasted…was beautiful. I hope everybody experiences a first love like i did, i would do it all over again if i could, even if that meant it would end the same way it ended almost 3 years later.  I was so convinced i was going to spend the rest of my life with you, if someone told me otherwise i was quick to bite their head off in disagreement.  If I ended up with you like i had wanted and planned, I would’ve remained happy all the days of my life. But, that’s just not the way it was supposed to be, and I’m okay with that now. Getting over you was not easy, I didn’t know what to do with myself, in a matter of one weekend, i lost the love of my life. I’ll never forget that morning, i looked you in the eye and asked you if there was someone else, and you looked at me with your big green eyes and said there was nobody else..but of course there was and deep down i think i knew you were lying, but i didn’t let myself believe it. I didn’t want to give up on our love, and i didn’t want you to give up either, but your mind was made up. 2 months later when i thought i could see you, and talk to you like no big deal, i drove to your apartment to get something i needed, knocked on your window and out you came. Of course, one thing led to another and i ended up sitting on the couch in the living room, then we ended up at my grandmas house, i kissed your cheek, and held you.  I had never seen you cry as much as you did that day, telling me you were sorry for everything you did, how you were a shitty person for hurting me the way you did, and how you wanted to be with be again, words are just words, but I forgive you..i forgave you a long time ago, i felt like i needed to in order to heal.  I’ve started to live my life for me, I’ve been having so much fun, I’m starting to see what i really want for myself in my life, i have become my only focus, and i love myself more than i have ever loved myself.

So, in sum..thank you for every thing, even breaking my heart.  I would not be where i am now if i wasn’t for our experience with each other, having your love and then losing it. You are a great person, and i mean it. You have so much potential to do a lot with your life, and i hope you do great things with yourself, because i know you are capable of doing it.  Never stop believing in yourself, and if you ever feel like nobody believes in you, i always have and i always will, i promise you that. I hope you eventually take some time to better yourself and be alone, you need it. You need to grow alone, find out who you are without being influenced by a partner. I wish you the best, always.

The part of me that is long gone will always love you.