feeling human.

4-21-2015

I need a glass of wine.

My feelings have caught up

the fake smile will no longer work;

the tears will come shortly.

I will embrace my sadness;

for it makes me, me.

I feel human.

Fuck the wine, i need a beer.

-tori

The love affair

It’s a never ending love story; 
The love affair between lonely nights and my mind. 

The love affair between imagination and reality. 

The love affair between dreaming and hoping. 

 I want it to go away, but I secretly want it here to stay. 

So, here’s to another one of “those” nights, where I’ve never felt so in love.  

You should let you love you.

I bet the title lured you in, if that’s the case, i’m glad it did and when you’ve finished reading, you’ll be glad as well.  (I hope)


You should let you love you.

A rant about letting you love you.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss


It’s true, there is no one alive who is “youer” than you.  How does that make you feel?  It should make you feel exceptional about yourself, but unfortunately we live in a world where it seems as if being yourself will never be good enough for you, or anybody you associate yourself with.  The ridiculous standards that are set by society are so unrealistic and quite frankly, it’s a shame that we think we have to be more like someone else in order to be successful, or in order to love yourself.  Please, give yourself some credit, you’re still alive and you have accomplished whatever it is that you have accomplished thus far, whether it be graduating university, or losing 10 pounds.  Nobody did that for you, YOU did that for YOURSELF and you deserve a pat on the back, actually, better yet, you deserve to be loved by someone great…like YOURSELF. Sure, everybody makes mistakes, but it’s up to you to get back up from your fall, and how gracefully you do it. If you haven’t failed at least once in your life, or made a stupid mistake you must not be human.  It’s in our human nature to mess up, make stupid decisions and have a few regrets.  Think about it this way, if you hadn’t made those mistakes or made that stupid decision you wouldn’t be the person you are today, and today…you’re pretty great, scars and all.  We’re meant to go through tough times in order to flourish as humans.  If this were a perfect world, we would all be perfect, but this is not a perfect world, and there is no such thing as a perfect person and that is a good thing; imagine how boring life would be if everything was perfect.  Not many things start off beautiful, but many things end beautifully. Don’t do it for anybody but yourself, but I need you to fall in love with yourself if you haven’t already.  It took me a while before I allowed myself to fall in love with myself, but when it happened it made me so much happier.  I realized my worth, and all my accomplishments.  I took the blame for all my mistakes and I embraced them because i needed to in order to overcome the disappointment I had with my self.  It’s okay to be disappointed with yourself, but never let it consume you because it will be that much harder to get over it.  Never let anything negative consume you.  Be consumed by good things, and positive vibes, it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Everybody has their days where they hate the world, -I have those at least once a week- but that ugly feeling is only temporary, you must not let it drag on. Never let anybody ever tell you that you are not good enough, you ARE good enough as long as you believe you are.  Never let anybody ever cause you to fall out of love with yourself.  Also, it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes.

Stay awesome, release good vibes, always believe in yourself, be your own inspiration and fall head over heels for yourself.  You ARE good enough.  You ARE capable of doing whatever it is you want to do.  You ARE beautiful.  You ARE awesome.

Give yourself some credit, you’ve made it this far and you’re not that bad 🙂

xoxo, Tori.

the two-block journey. (a short story)

The Two-Block Journey

A short story.

By: Victoria Quintanilla

I want you to think about the happiest times in your life. The moments that cause you to smile each and every time you think about them, the moments you hope never to forget even when your mind grows old and tired, the moments you will tell your children and their children, the moments that have molded you into the best version of yourself; the moments that gave you a reason to live, in hopes for more of those moments.   This is a story about happiness, in its purest form: the innocence of a young girl, accompanied by the wisdom of her grandfather.

“Grandpa, I wanna go to the park.”

“Okay, let me put my sandals on.”

The smile that spread across the face of the very active, cute, persistent, 5-year-old Grace could’ve been seen from a mile away. While impatiently waiting for her Grandpa to put on his dark brown Velcro sandals, which already had the imprint of his feet, Grace started to look through some drawers in the dining room.

“Ready?” her Grandpa asked.

She looked up at him with a toothless grin and said, “Yup!”

“Okay! Let’s go.”

Hand in hand, they headed out the door of her grandpas blue-grey wooden house and their two-block journey to the park began. The admiration Grace had for her grandpa was not a secret; for these two shared a special bond. Not long after their departure, she looked up at him with her big brown eyes, and the conversation between a 64-year-old white-haired man, and a 5-year-old brown-haired girl began. You see, Grace was a very curious child; she wanted to know who, what, when, where and why at all times, and when her questions were answered, she would remain silent for about three seconds until she thought up another question to ask. There wasn’t much you could get past her inquisitive nature. Her Grandpa was very much used to it, and it seemed as if he enjoyed it just as much as she did.

“Grandpa, when were you born?”

“ March of 1933.”

Cars zoomed past them and dogs barked as they approached their usual route between a guardrail and the red poorly painted fence that held back three dogs. Trips to the park were an often occurrence for this pair, Grace spent as much time as she could with her grandpa, she found a best friend in him, and he in her.

“Grandpa, why is there so many different colors on this?” she asked as she pointed to the guardrail riddled with different colored paint which separated them from the not-so-busy street.

“That happens when cars accidentally bump into the guardrail.”

“Oh! Now I know!” she replied with a sweet innocent smile.

Grace loved learning new things, and her Grandpa loved teaching her all that he could. To her, he was the smartest man in the world; Grace didn’t know that his education had only reached up to the sixth grade, and even if she did know, her thoughts would’ve remained the same.

At last, the pair reached the park and Grace ran into to the rock filled area that was the home to many different slides, countless vulgarities in the form of graffiti, and her imagination. While Grace ran around wild, her Grandpa sat patiently and quietly in his usual spot, there he could keep an eye on her, even if she tried hiding. His eyes only wandered to the occasional passing car, other than that his attention was fixated on his granddaughter who captured his heart entirely and gave him a new zest for life. The smile never left his face as he watched her run around the playground with nobody but her self, he would laugh a quiet laugh as he listened to her talk loudly as if she was speaking with other children, he looked on in complete admiration of her personality.

Her cheeks were as red as apples, her legs covered in dirt, and as she used her hands to get her long brown hair out of her face she looked up at her grandpa and said, “Okay, I’m ready. I’m so thirsty grandpa!”

“Okay, let’s go! There is some sweet tea at the house.” Grace thought her grandpa made the best and sweetest sweet tea ever, he told her it’s because he made it with love especially for her, and she believed it.

Their two-block journey back to the house began, the only things that changed were the questions Grace came up with and some of the wild things her 5-year-old imagination would come up with.

“Grandpa did you know that when I was born I was really a puppy?” She looked up at him and began to nod her head, “It’s true, you can even ask my mom.”

He looked down at her and looked as surprised as he could and replied, “Oh really? What kind of puppy were you?” Grace paused for a moment while she thought of what to say next, at last she came up with something she thought to be fairly clever and quickly responded “Oh! I was a pink poodle and even my nails were painted!” She covered her mouth with the hand that wasn’t being held by her grandpas’ old, callused hand and giggled.

“Actually, I remember going to the hospital to see you when you were born, and you’re right! You were a pink poodle!”

“See! Told you!” They looked at each other and both burst out laughing. He loved hearing her youthful, cute laugh; it brought him reassurance and faith, and she loved making him laugh, it brought her security and made her feel loved.

Their journey was over, and they both sat at the table sipping on their sweet tea and talking. He will cherish each and every moment he will spend by her side, and she will do the same. He made her eyes shine with happiness and wonder, and she made his eyes shine with love and hope. The bond between this man and child was indescribable, the love he had for her was strong enough to move mountains, and the love she had for him was endless. They were the best of friends, and if her love could’ve saved him, her love alone would’ve made him immortal.

a letter to my first love.

a letter to you.

1903960200063


The time we shared together, in love with each other was one of the best times in my life.  Thank you for supporting me, putting up with me, making me laugh, giving me confidence, encouraging me to do more, tickling my arms and back whenever i asked, accompanying me, wiping my tears away, hugging me, telling me i was beautiful, being fearless, standing up for me, telling me stupid jokes, serenading me with your guitar, taking care of me, for always being so understanding and patient, putting me in my place, breaking my heart, and many more things, but most importantly thank you for loving me.

I was young when we first fell in love, and so were you, so i understand why you did some of the things you did and quite frankly, I’m glad you did them.  It gave us some time to grow up a little, and experience different things, college for you and the end of high school for me. Although i was terribly heartbroken and felt like you left during a time when i needed you the most, there was a part of me that remained happy because i always felt our paths would cross again.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many emotions i felt when our paths finally did cross 2 years later. In a nutshell, i was nervous, scared, very happy, and a little angry.  There was so much i wanted to ask and tell you! I don’t think i ever did in fear of possibly jeopardizing our possible relationship.  I still remember how i felt when i heard your voice for the first time, i thought i had somehow missed your call because i had a voicemail from you, but nope, no missed call, but you knew a way to send just a voicemail without calling..you knew i hated talking on the phone.  My heart fell to my stomach when i opened it up and heard your voice, i don’t remember what you said, but i remember feeling so happy. The emotion only increased over time and those two months when were talking everyday i couldn’t help but fall in love with you all over again so when you left me a voicemail on 12-21-10 saying “i was going to wait until i got a job, but i just can’t wait anymore, will you be my girlfriend?” i practically had a heart attack from how happy i was. I think it was 4 days after that where i finally mustered up enough courage to ask you if it was weird that i felt like i loved you, and you quickly responded, saying nope, and i love you, too. Isn’t it crazy how those 4 words can cause such happiness in a person? & just like that..you became my first true love.

Now, our relationship wasn’t the best and we are both equally guilty of being jealous, and fighting over the dumbest things, your family was not fond of me….at all, but our relationship, while it lasted…was beautiful. I hope everybody experiences a first love like i did, i would do it all over again if i could, even if that meant it would end the same way it ended almost 3 years later.  I was so convinced i was going to spend the rest of my life with you, if someone told me otherwise i was quick to bite their head off in disagreement.  If I ended up with you like i had wanted and planned, I would’ve remained happy all the days of my life. But, that’s just not the way it was supposed to be, and I’m okay with that now. Getting over you was not easy, I didn’t know what to do with myself, in a matter of one weekend, i lost the love of my life. I’ll never forget that morning, i looked you in the eye and asked you if there was someone else, and you looked at me with your big green eyes and said there was nobody else..but of course there was and deep down i think i knew you were lying, but i didn’t let myself believe it. I didn’t want to give up on our love, and i didn’t want you to give up either, but your mind was made up. 2 months later when i thought i could see you, and talk to you like no big deal, i drove to your apartment to get something i needed, knocked on your window and out you came. Of course, one thing led to another and i ended up sitting on the couch in the living room, then we ended up at my grandmas house, i kissed your cheek, and held you.  I had never seen you cry as much as you did that day, telling me you were sorry for everything you did, how you were a shitty person for hurting me the way you did, and how you wanted to be with be again, words are just words, but I forgive you..i forgave you a long time ago, i felt like i needed to in order to heal.  I’ve started to live my life for me, I’ve been having so much fun, I’m starting to see what i really want for myself in my life, i have become my only focus, and i love myself more than i have ever loved myself.

So, in sum..thank you for every thing, even breaking my heart.  I would not be where i am now if i wasn’t for our experience with each other, having your love and then losing it. You are a great person, and i mean it. You have so much potential to do a lot with your life, and i hope you do great things with yourself, because i know you are capable of doing it.  Never stop believing in yourself, and if you ever feel like nobody believes in you, i always have and i always will, i promise you that. I hope you eventually take some time to better yourself and be alone, you need it. You need to grow alone, find out who you are without being influenced by a partner. I wish you the best, always.

The part of me that is long gone will always love you.

NOLA & all that came with it. (and after) 

 

all that jazz.

  

kristine, chelsy, joanna, me & lori.

  

we went gambling after that.

  

this was our first full day in NOLA.

  

those beads tho..

  

yeah…it was hella fun. can you tell?

So, we embarked on our journey Saturday (March 15th) at about 4 pm. I guess our first task was getting everyone’s luggage to fit in the back of chelsys stepmoms luxurious infiniti. Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that my suitcase my unnecessarily HUGE. Okay, so we got the suitcase in, and lori was fortunate enough to sit right next to it. (Sorry lori) So yay, we’re off! Chelsy drove first & I lost count of how many illegal u-turns were made. I drove us in to the dirty H, where we planned to stay with alex. (Thanks alex) we arrived pretty hungry so lori, joanna and I decided to go eat & it was that night where I popped my chipotle cherry, and apparently I fucked up because I didn’t get a bowl. & This is how my first conversation at chipotle went “do you guys have fajita?” “WHAT!? Um, we have steak?” “Okay yeah, I’ll have steak.” I guess it slipped my mind that People outside of the valley might not call everything that is beef, fajita. My bad, anyways! The burrito was good though! And those chips! *emoji with heart eyes* so after we all got dressed we decided to get an uber to some bars in Houston, don’t ask where because I have 0 idea. So many tall and good looking men, can some of you migrate down south, please? None of us got drunk, maybe I was pretty tipsy..but by the time we got back to the apartment complex I had to pee really bad, so I ran (as if I knew where I was going) -oh! I forgot to mention joanna stayed in because she wasn’t feeling well- to Alex’s apartment and wasn’t sure if joanna was a heavy sleeper or not so I knocked…very loud, as was let in only a few seconds after. I was impressed..she was not. So apparently I startled her, and she kicked a side table which had a soft drink on top and there was sweet tea everywhere. Whoops! Alex said since it was my fault, I should clean it, but let’s be real..I was the guest so I didn’t clean anything. Okay, yay! Morning time! Time to drive to the big easy and start our spring break! Kristine drove for a while, until I caught her playing the “how long can I keep my eyes closed while driving” game & until she spotted a pluckers in Baton Rouge. (Hell yes!) it was delicious and after our meal we hit the road to NOLA. my turn to drive! I was pretty energetic, I had enough sleep on the drive so I was ready. I even started this chant: “we in the Lou *clap clap* we in the Lou *clap clap* we in the, we in the, we in the Lou” it didn’t catch on, but I was saying it the entire trip. Fast forward about 2 hours and many bridges later and WE WERE IN NEW ORLEANS! the big easy, NOLA..whatever you wanna call it and we were ready to get down & dirty. We all changed, and headed to bourbon..first stop: tropical isle for some hand grenades. (you can see them in our bourbon st. photo.) We walked up and down bourbon and then we all agreed to go gambling at some casino kristine stumbled upon. My first time gambling, I won about $100, chelsy won $80 I think and Kristine was down $300. (Sorry mama). Okay! So first night in Nola was a success and we were ready to explore. We all dressed pretty comfy knowing we were probably gonna walk a lot. (Which we did) we tried to stop at cafe du monde for brunch, but it was hella packed and we went to another restaurant across the street.  

thats what i had for lunch.

It was hella good. It was called Mardi Gras pasta & I barley put a dent in that baby. We walked around took some pictures  

this was one of them.

Isn’t it so pretty!? So, we decided to set up a ghost tour from 5:30 to 7:30..a 2 hour walking tour which kristine wasn’t to happy about. No, we didn’t see any ghosts but it was still pretty creepy, we had fun though! Or at least I did. Lori had heartburn. (Typical) so, after the ghost tour and beignets 

soooooo good. 10/10.

kristine, chelsy and I decided to go down bourbon. We all got pretty drunk off those damn fishbowls! (My advice, share one) we each had our own and it was crazy. We met some badasses from jersey, Sara, Danielle and Eric, a model from Spain and some guy that did some soccer stuff. Our feet were dead, I dragged kris into our hotel room which was right next to the elevator (so convinient) & kris and chelsy threw up, i was fine and dandy…… Until the next morning (st Paddys day!) I was hella hungover, woke up with a dry mouth and the need for food and orange juice. Lori went shopping before we woke up and was ready in her st. Paddys day outfit. I wasn’t in the mood so I threw on a skirt and a shirt was we were on our way to ihop. Breakfast and OJ made me feel so much better and I was ready for my day. We did some walking, souvenir shopping all before the st. Paddys day festivities, which started around 6:30 pm. We went back to the room, I did my eyebrows, did my eyeshadow in all green, put my beads on and I was ready. We waited a good long time before the parade finally started, so we decided to eat. & guess what happens we we sit down? The parade starts. -_- It was all good though, we saw some lady get arrested. I ordered jambalaya and it was absolutely delicious. 

 

We ate fairly quickly and did a very fast paced walk to bourbon in hopes to catch up the the parade and we did! Yay!! The parade was nothing like I had ever seen. Sooooo many people, young and old. Everyone was drinking or already drunk, everyone had beads and was having the time of their lives. I loved every second of it and I would definitely do it again. 

   

  

  

Lori and I were on a mission, so we had been consistently drinking since about 7pm ish. & like my uncle martin said “it’s a marathon, not a sprint” so we took his advice and took it easy for the first 3 hours. We got ourselves some horny gators, more beer, we danced,  took shots and had a grand ole time (shout out to the guy I danced with and I hope you had a badass 21st) and I wasn’t drunk yet so I was concerned. We stopped for pizza and as soon as I took my first bite..it hit me like a wrecking ball. I was hella intoxicated! And that pizza was hella delicious! Walked back to the room, lori was almost murdered by her air mattress, I almost had a heart attack because I was laughing so much, sent out a few drunk messages, took a shower and I was out. Our last night in Nola 😦 I never wanted it to end I had so much fun!! But like all good things..it ended. And we were on our way back home..kristine and I stayed in San Antonio until today (I’m typing this in the car) I got to visit with my sister, bro-lo el cuñado and beaux bear! (Thanks for letting me stay, guys!) I really enjoyed my spring break but now its back to the good ol’ 956. Houston, NOLA, San Antonio..you treated my friends and I very well. Kristine, chelsy, joanna and lori..thank you for making this trip one of the best and I can’t wait until our next one! ❤️ see you soon, mission! 

With love, 

Tori.  

(If my grammar sucks, or I spelled things wrong i will correct them as soon as I get my hands on my laptop) 

how do you even blog?

March 13, 2015

the queen.


So, i’ve -kind of- adopted this “thing”.  You know, i’m not sure if its to make myself feel better or if I do it to be comedic, but this “thing” I’ve adopted is  more of a persona I’ve developed.  Now that we’ve got that settled you can go ahead and look at my “internet name”…..YUP. a queen.  Now isn’t that just….so…. egotistical of me?  Don’t say “ohhh noooo” to spare me, believe me, I know it IS egotistical of me. There is no shame in my game. But you know what this “queen” has helped me overcome? Take a wild guess, just kidding; please don’t. I’ll just tell you.  Now; as sort of a disclaimer I don’t want to over-exaggerate any of the hurdles I’ve jumped over the years, so I will just simply state them.  I realize that there are some people who have been through a lot worse, and they have all my respect. OKAY! now for the good stuff, or the stuff I just might be judged for. (oh well) the queen has helped me overcome advanced thoughts of suicide, deep depressions (yes; plural), the loss of multiple family members, the loss of friends a long the way, high school, break ups & all the messes that come with all of those things. So…egotistical? hell yes. & no, my life hasn’t been that bad considering I currently have everything I want and need, my family is supportive of this free spirit I have, my friends are the best friends a girl could ever want and my future looks promising. But the queen deserves some of the credit, because without her I can only imagine the frail, (possibly non-existent) dependent, boring, anxious, depressed Victoria i would be today.  So, whether you are a Genevieve who sees spirits when drunk or a queen who walks into the bar with her hands up ready for another shot..be proud and embrace it. BUT, don’t forget to snap back to reality and do you.

-Queen V

-Victoria

-Tori

(this was my first blog post, and I’m quite excited about it. Now let’s spell check this baby.)